Category: Bread

it’s fucking bread

Bean and Kielbasa Stew

This has become a staple in our house because of a purchase I made in the spring of 2020: I signed up for a Community Support Agriculture share of heirloom beans along with all the veggies. So we got a pound of beans a week. 

Dried beans. 

So many beans. 

What you need:

Dried beans that you soak overnight. It doesn’t fucking matter as long as it is more than 6 hours.

Kielbasa or something like it. Ya know, precooked sausage-like hotdog or machine-separated meat in a casing. 

Onions

Garlic – more is better

Other veggies (see Variations below)

Herbs (see Variations below)

Flour. Probably about a ¼ cup… you want a good coat on the shit you’re cooking

What you do:

Choppy chop the onion and garlic – make these small.

Choppy chop the veggies to bite sized pieces.

Choppy chop the kielbasa to bite sized pieces.

Use a big pot!

Put oil in the pot, when it is hot add the kielbasa and brown it. (Maillard (it’s the caramel-look meat gets when you brown it…the more you know) effect for the win).

Once the sausage is browned add the onion and garlic and sauté till the onion is transparent (like my jokes).

Add in other veggies. 

Now for the fancy technique. It’s called Sange and it means to throw flour on your cooking food to thicken the sauce. So you dust (coat) the things in the pot with flour. You have to do this BEFORE you add any liquid or you will get clumps! And by coat I mean don’t be a pussy and put in enough flour to cover the things. Not so much that there are balls of flour on the bottom… that’s a sure way to get chunks. 

Stir that around a bit, and then dump in the beans and the water they soaked in. Yes the water they soaked in. After googling all things dried beans I found out that you soak them to shorten cooking time by about 20 min and that the water that you soak them in has bean-y flavor so use it. If you are going to soak them for 8+ hours to reduce cooking time by 20-30 min, use the damn water. 

Add more liquid so that everything is just barely covered. Sometimes I use stock, sometimes water, sometimes it’s a reason to open wine. (Like I need a reason.) 

Bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer (tiny little cute bubbles for those unfamiliar with simmer; just put it on the lowest setting you have).  Stir it or the damn thing will stick to the bottom and burn. 

Cook for at least an hour, but I’ve let go as much as four with occasional stirring. Taste it and salt till it is good. I’d wait to salt till the end cause you are reducing liquid and if you salt at the beginning it’ll end up salty. Kind like me after a few drinks. 

Enjoy with crusty bread slathered in butter. I’m going to keep a running list of the variations I’ve done below and link to the photos on Instagram for your enjoyment. Like I said we have this almost every week and I can’t do the same thing forever. Although I do tend towards Kielbasa. At least that’s what I call it so the kids will eat it. You can use any machine separated and seasoned meat in a casing. 

Variation 1 –

Bean – Yellow Eye Bean

Sweet potatoes, cabbage, thyme, oregano, fennel, marjoram 

Kielbasa

Variation 2 – 

Bean – Appaloosa 

Potato, cabbage, basil, thyme, oregano, marjoram

Variation 3 – 

Beans – Large Lima Beans

Potato, carrot, celery, onion powder, garlic powder, paprika

chefmckean

Bread—in a Test Tube! and Other Things found

My mother-in-law has cupboards that are often overlooked for decades. (Maybe all parents do?) I drink and go searching some nights. I’ll admit I’m nosy. And I might be drunk enough that I don’t always remember that I went through the cupboard last year. So it’s always a new treasure hunt!

One night I found a box of the Culinaria Collection by Corning. It contains tubes that you cook bread in. Yes, tubes. From the time of savory jell-o. So…voila! We have another experiment with Bob the starter. Maybe everyone is doing sourdough during Covid, but who can say they’re doing test-tube-sourdough? Anyone? Anyone?!

The best way to describe this experience is with pictures.

I made my standard sourdough loaf and followed the directions on the tube bread insert. The directions came on a poster, so you know they’re legit.

Given the recipes that come with the bread (on the poster) I’m not sure sourdough is the best type bread for this. I should have tried the recipe for French bread. Also, my hands are too big to shove the bread far enough into the tubes. (“That’s what she said?”) I will have to get my kids to help next time since I think they are the only ones with small enough hands. I’m always looking for challenges to child labor practices. And how funny would it be to see kids with their hands/arms stuck in glass tubes?

The bread wasn’t the best looking. It didn’t hold it’s form and leaked/dribbled out of the ends of the tubes. It tasted fine but looked flaccid. My husband’s cousin’s spouse really liked it and took the leftovers. Whatever, I’ll try again…especially since I swiped the tubes (I asked first) and now am driving the damn thing across the country. So help me god if it breaks.

Other things found (this year!) in the cupboard above the fridge:

3 rusty cheese graters

1 small cast iron egg poaching pan.

Several berry containers that went in the trash. The plastic kind. I now know she uses them for when her wild blackberries go berserk, but who has time to pick these days? Even my kids got tired of picking them (or else picked up on my get-them-out-of-the-house trick).

A nativity cookie set. Who doesn’t want to eat the body of Christ when it’s a gingerbread Savior?

A broken wooden hanger that also went in the trash. Yes there was a hanger in the kitchen cupboards. Also Mother-In-Law found it in the trash (I thought it a safe toss, I was wrong). I then got snide comments about people throwing things away and how she needs to be aware of all if it.

A couple of cute tins that you would use to gift cookies in. But they aren’t getting used since they are out of reach for the average, sober person who doesn’t randomly drag chairs around looking in cupboards.

A couple of broken crystal goblets from my in-laws wedding set – Update: ventured into potential hot water and asked Mother-In-Law about them. Turns out these are not from the wedding set, they just look a lot like them. Still doesn’t explain the location but I (usually) know how to pick my fights.

chefmckean

Sourdough HOT DOG Buns

Fuckers didn’t fucking work.

I hate the fucking world tonight because here is what I did that didn’t fucking work.

I took my sourdough–let’s call him Bob (we’ve been re-watching Twin Peaks)–and made the bread thing that bubbles overnight. I’m lazy at this shit so I use time instead of muscle to get the gluten formation.

Anyway I took the resulting sticky-as-fuck dough out and dumped it on the counter that was covered in a fuck-ton of flour. Then I kneaded the dough (adding flour) till it wasn’t a stick-fucking mess.

I then cut it to make buns. You know hotdog and hamburger sized things.

I hand rolled them out and floured the crease so that there would be hope of opening them up. (I was so wrong in my hope.)

Then I tossed them on a parchment paper clad sheet pan so they could rise for a bit.

After they got bigger and looked like they could hold a hotdog I put them in an oven at 4000 F and baked till they looked done (golden brown and hollow sounding when you thump them).  No steam and maybe that was my mistake.

Anyway they came out looking and smelling good and are hard as rocks on the outside. Not so great for the 6 yr old with no front teeth. The kids still ate their hotdogs. One dog on a bun the other off. And fuck the rest of the bread. I’ll chop it up and put it into bread pudding or something…like the garbage.

Update: these things have a life of their own. My dad left them in his clouch as a still life. And here they are over a month later-as soft as they were day one.

I tossed them tonight. SMH

chefmckean2 Comments

Sourdough

Everyone is doing sourdough. Apparently, we all needed something to keep alive while we sat at home in a quarantine. At least if it dies, we don’t feel super bad about it.

Sourdough is basically maintaining a ratio of equal parts water, flour and starter.  At first you have to keep adding more flour and water to the starter until you get a good bubble…but after that you can put it in the fridge and use it (or feed it) every few days.

About my starter: it took 4 tries to get the fucker to not mold, dry up, or just die. And because it took so long and so much time, I drove the damn thing across the country. (Well, I did leave half in the fridge at home so who knows what fresh hell will be waiting after a few months…)

I’m now committed to making bread every 3-4 days and this is starting to feel slightly abusive. At least in this case I can kill my abuser.

I found that sourdough is about feel…the recipes you find don’t quite work all the time because of things like humidity or the moon or your spiritual guide hates you that day. You have to just get the feel of the damn thing. One technique that definitely worked for me is using a cast iron pot with a lid. Because the (not so) secret is steam…to get a good crust you have to steam the bread then bake it. You can either use a cast iron pot and lid or bake it on a sheet pan with a pan of water underneath. (DON’T use glass (it shatters!) and I know this because I forgot that detail one day. I then had to clean up hot, wet glass with 3 kids offering to help. I still got the bread made and I didn’t burn myself. Yay me!)

That’s probably enough from me, isn’t it? After all you’ve all Googled it and have your own starter at home. How do I know? Because there is still no fucking flour at the store!

chefmckean