Risotto

This is another staple in our home. I know it sounds fancy and hard but it isn’t…

Arborio rice.  Look at the package to determine how much you want to eat.

              We eat about 3-4 cups of dry. (There are 5 of us and 3 keep growing up. I won’t mention how the other 2 of us are growing)

Bone broth – NOT stock. Bone broth is about the same price and has a ton of protein and other nutrients in it. Stock is just flavored water. I tend to use chicken because it’s mild. You need about 4 cups per cup of rice. 

Given the 4 cups of rice and 12 cups of liquid my family eats 16 cups of risotto…they are growing kids and leftovers are good for lunch or dinner two days later (god forbid we eat the same meal two nights in a row!).

Onion – 1 large cut into tiny pieces, you know so the kids can’t see the difference with the rice. Just to be clear onions are vegetables and count as a “hidden” food.

or

2 shallots – this is for traditional saffron risotto. What is the difference you ask? Well shallots have a milder flavor that doesn’t overpower the saffron. That’s all.

Other veggies:

~Yellow squash (2-3 depending on the size) – blended or tiny diced…it “hides” well with saffron and also doesn’t overpower it.

~Roasted red peppers and roasted garlic – I’ll do another post on how to roast these things. Cut ‘em up tiny.

Parmesan cheese – NOT the powder crap

White wine – I like sauvignon blanc for risotto.

Butter (1/2 stick)

Spices like saffron, turmeric, paprika. It depends on the veggies and your tastes.

Salt

Sauté onion (or shallot) in oil and some salt.

Once they are translucent and smell nice you can add other veggies till they also smell nice.

Add all of your rice.

You don’t add all your liquid at once. The idea is to watch the rice absorb the liquid until it is cooked. Start adding the bone broth just enough to keep things wet and stir often. Add more broth when the rice gets dry looking. Add in the spices and some salt.

You keep adding liquid and tasting until the rice is al-dente (which means you can bite though it but not so soft you don’t need teeth) add a cup or ½ bottle of wine, cheese and butter to taste, these are finishing flavors. Cook a bit more till the alcohol has cooked off (or add later and cook off less wine—the kids fall asleep faster with a bit of wine-y risotto). The wine, parmesan and butter are finishing touches and totally up to your tastes, just like the salt.

I tend to finish the bottle while cooking (I mean half went in the risotto). So I always get 2 or 3 more to have with dinner, yes I’m sharing the bottles mother… there is a reason this is a family staple. It also allows me to tell my husband I have to “cook” for the next hour (I’m stirring, tasting and drinking).

See notes on the wine choice. It isn’t just about being cheap.

Also because I’ve now added 1 onion, 1 pepper and a head of garlic (or 3 squash) I’ve almost got an equal ratio of rice to veggies…including the bone broth you’ve now got a one-pot-complete meal: veggies, protein, starch. Boom. Mom-win!

Finally, I’m sorry to all the “hidden veggie” recipes I used to deride pre-child. I now understand you on a level I previously could not. Parenting will do that.

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Ahi Tuna and sauce

Ahi tuna is fantastic. You need sushi grade for anything raw or mostly raw (like ceviche). But cheaper, non-sushi grade will still sear nicely to a rare temperature.

What you need:

Ahi tuna, sesame seeds, oil, salt and pepper.

What to do:

Coat the Ahi tuna in the sesame seeds and salt and pepper.

Heat the oil until it is smoking. We are searing, not cooking till well-done. To properly sear you need oil that is about to catch on fire and burn your house down. But stop it just short of that. I would also suggest NOT walking away from the stove at this point.

Put the tuna in the oil. Stand back because it will splatter and burn you. (I told you hot.) This is why chefs wear long sleeves. Also turn down the heat a little at this point, but not earlier. I don’t want your house to actually burn down, but I want your tuna done right.

Sear each side. This is like 1 min tops on each side. Tune should be rare. If you don’t like it like that buy it in a can and just skip this recipe.

Sauce (because as we all know (according to my husband) it’s all about the fucking sauce):

Tubes of lemongrass, garlic, ginger – you know the kind in the pricy area of the produce section where you buy small packages of herbs. (Gourmet Garden is one brand.) Now this point confused my husband who holds all things fresh to a god-like status. Why not use fresh? Because this is a sauce and chunks aren’t pleasant in a sauce. Don’t waste your time making the paste/puree yourself (at least not tonight…maybe another time I’ll tell you how to waste hours of your life making something you can buy for $7).

Soy sauce

Mix them all together till it tastes good. Start with small amounts to save money given you could mortgage a house buying these things. Taste as you go. Stop when it tastes good.

My husband went on and on about the tuna and sauce. It really was delicious. However, this is all I’m writing tonight. I have a dear friend who is having significant medical issues so I need to go find good movies for her teenage girls (who are awesome). You know the kind. Like Bring It On and Clueless. Girl focused, girl-power movies that make you feel good after. Add your favorites in the comments.

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Sourdough HOT DOG Buns

Fuckers didn’t fucking work.

I hate the fucking world tonight because here is what I did that didn’t fucking work.

I took my sourdough–let’s call him Bob (we’ve been re-watching Twin Peaks)–and made the bread thing that bubbles overnight. I’m lazy at this shit so I use time instead of muscle to get the gluten formation.

Anyway I took the resulting sticky-as-fuck dough out and dumped it on the counter that was covered in a fuck-ton of flour. Then I kneaded the dough (adding flour) till it wasn’t a stick-fucking mess.

I then cut it to make buns. You know hotdog and hamburger sized things.

I hand rolled them out and floured the crease so that there would be hope of opening them up. (I was so wrong in my hope.)

Then I tossed them on a parchment paper clad sheet pan so they could rise for a bit.

After they got bigger and looked like they could hold a hotdog I put them in an oven at 4000 F and baked till they looked done (golden brown and hollow sounding when you thump them).  No steam and maybe that was my mistake.

Anyway they came out looking and smelling good and are hard as rocks on the outside. Not so great for the 6 yr old with no front teeth. The kids still ate their hotdogs. One dog on a bun the other off. And fuck the rest of the bread. I’ll chop it up and put it into bread pudding or something…like the garbage.

Update: these things have a life of their own. My dad left them in his clouch as a still life. And here they are over a month later-as soft as they were day one.

I tossed them tonight. SMH

chefmckean2 Comments

Sourdough

Everyone is doing sourdough. Apparently, we all needed something to keep alive while we sat at home in a quarantine. At least if it dies, we don’t feel super bad about it.

Sourdough is basically maintaining a ratio of equal parts water, flour and starter.  At first you have to keep adding more flour and water to the starter until you get a good bubble…but after that you can put it in the fridge and use it (or feed it) every few days.

About my starter: it took 4 tries to get the fucker to not mold, dry up, or just die. And because it took so long and so much time, I drove the damn thing across the country. (Well, I did leave half in the fridge at home so who knows what fresh hell will be waiting after a few months…)

I’m now committed to making bread every 3-4 days and this is starting to feel slightly abusive. At least in this case I can kill my abuser.

I found that sourdough is about feel…the recipes you find don’t quite work all the time because of things like humidity or the moon or your spiritual guide hates you that day. You have to just get the feel of the damn thing. One technique that definitely worked for me is using a cast iron pot with a lid. Because the (not so) secret is steam…to get a good crust you have to steam the bread then bake it. You can either use a cast iron pot and lid or bake it on a sheet pan with a pan of water underneath. (DON’T use glass (it shatters!) and I know this because I forgot that detail one day. I then had to clean up hot, wet glass with 3 kids offering to help. I still got the bread made and I didn’t burn myself. Yay me!)

That’s probably enough from me, isn’t it? After all you’ve all Googled it and have your own starter at home. How do I know? Because there is still no fucking flour at the store!

chefmckean

Frosting for the cake

I have to make a cake. In the past I’ve taken days to make one from scratch. You know, taking strawberries and blending them and boiling them to make a jam, then using that to make a strawberry cake. However, the third child is getting Betty Crocker. (I’ll still try to make it look fun. Look on Instagram for the picture.) But one thing I absolutely fucking refuse to do is frosting from a can.

Easy Buttercream Frosting.

Butter (like a pound) preferably salted unless you want to add your own salt. See Notes on Things for more on salted vs. unsalted butter.

Powdered Sugar (like a pound).

Vanilla. As I’ve written regarding garlic, add more than is sensible and don’t get the crap imitation stuff.

Blend the butter till it’s soft and fluffy, add vanilla, start adding the sugar until it looks right and tastes good.

It will be brownish if you put in enough vanilla. Add other colors if you like.

Put it on the cake. Decorate with sprinkles. It doesn’t fucking matter what you do with them. I find flooding the top works and it isn’t hard and for a 3-year-old it looks fancy.

We were going to have pizza for dinner tonight because the birthday girl likes it and I didn’t want to cook. Then a storm came through and the pizza place lost power. After an hour of hoping they would still be able to deliver they called and mentioned that our pizzas were in the oven when they lost power and they would refund our price. I just asked them to deliver it the next day, as I still wanted pizza and to not cook.

We had hot dogs instead and since hot dogs involve boiling water, we also had broccoli and my husband felt fancy so then there was also avocado and shredded cheese. Of course my dad wanted sauerkraut and mustard. And now we have a build-your-own hot dog bar! So much for not wanting to cook. I know cooking hot dogs isn’t hard. But for me it isn’t the action so much as the thinking about it that is overwhelming sometimes. And this is coming from someone who loves to cook! But the chopping…holy hell I fucking hate chopping. It may stem from the massive amount I had to do in culinary school. Practicing for hours to get a potato cut into perfect 1-inch (or ¼ inch or ½ inch) cubes has made me less than patient with cutting things up. I also hate preparing fiddly food for the same reason.

I also found out I can abso-fucking-lutely bribe my kids with candy to eat broccoli. So as a good economist I set up a store.  Certain pieces of broccoli were worth certain amounts of candy. Good news for me is that I have no leftover broccoli tonight, for the first time in family history. From now on there will be a broccoli (or whatever I need them to eat)-to-candy ratio in our home. I’m the best mom!

chefmckean

Pesto Pasta

Pesto Pasta is a staple in our house. My kids like cheese ravioli with pesto on it. They go around shouting pesto, pesto, pesto pasta to the tune of Macho, Macho Man. It’s cute and fucking annoying and loud. I usually kick them out of the house so the neighborhood can enjoy their “song”.

Package of ravioli or tortellini of your choice. Follow the directions on it.

Pesto. 2 choices here. Make it or buy it.

~If you buy it… open and dump on cooked pasta, stir and eat. enjoy spending money on something you can make for ½ the cost. Fucking bourgeoise.

~If you want to make it you will need:

Basil; like, tons of it. Sometimes I use kale with other herbs because I joined a CSA (community supported agriculture) that gives me so much fucking kale I can’t even.

Nuts of some kind; pine nuts are pricey so use walnuts or almonds and tell me you can taste the difference.

Parmesan cheese (not the powder crap).

Garlic. Like a head of garlic. any recipe that calls for one clove is bullshit. Always make it a head. If you want to be a pansy only do a few cloves.

Olive oil and salt.

Blend it all together till it tastes good. Use the oil to make it not clump up and burnout your blender/ food processor.

Stir it into the pasta.

I’ve tried sausage ravioli…that went over like a load of bricks. My kids only do cheese and pasta combos. Lasagna, mac and cheese, cheese ravioli…so at least this way they get a few more greens in their diet. It also freezes well, which is why I have bags of kale pesto in the freezer. I mean it’s good to support the local farms but for fuck’s sake the amount of kale, sweet potatoes, beets, and okra I get is unreal. Anyway if you get shit-tons of kale it can be made into a pesto. Add some other herb like basil or oregano) to hide the kaleness of it. You can always give it to the neighbors and pretend you are a nice person instead of just pawning excess food off on people…I’ve never done this.

chefmckean

An almost fancy dinner.

Dinner tonight was steak, brown butter carrots and sugar…I mean sweat potato and carrot casserole.

Steak: get the old stuff that is on sale. Not the bright red stuff. If it is brown it will be tasty. Why, you ask? Because as meat “ages” it breaks down, becoming more tender. Bright red meat is newer and therefore tougher, no matter how pretty you find it. So get the brown stuff, then leave it in the fridge for a week. Mold? Cut it off! In a restaurant they call it aged and charge you $60 so STFU. Salt and pepper both sides. Put it on a grill till medium or medium rare… don’t fucking cook it any more.  Eat it!

Carrots: Don’t over cook them!!!! first brown a stick of butter (how do you know it’s browned and not burned? Well it bubbles a shit ton and then if you stir it you’ll see brown instead of yellow.)

Then add ½ an onion brown it.

Then add 3 cups of sliced carrots (salt them first, heavily).

Then add brown sugar…how much is up to you…I did about ¾ a cup and it was not too sweet.

Cook till carrots are less crunchy than raw but still have some snap to them…this means taste the fuckers occasionally.

Sweet potato and carrot casserole:

Chop up sweet potatoes and carrots…as many as you want to eat.

Mix with 4 tbs of butter, brown sugar (1cup or so) and juice one old orange (you know out of the pile have laying around rotting). If you feel adventurous add several dashes of cayenne pepper, to make sure the kids will hate it.

Put in an oiled dish.

Cover with a few marshmallows…as many as you want assuming that the kids will go ape shit after dinner.

Cover that with a can of crescent rolls.  I know you’ve seen the YouTube where they roll out the can and do fucking crazy things with it…just roll it out enough to sort of cover the dish you are cooking in. Nothing fancy.

Cover the dish with tin foil and bake at 3500F for about 30 min (until the sweet potatoes and carrots are soft) take off the foil for the last 10 min. to brown the top.

Hopefully your kids eat this dinner better than mine…although we have found that “special drinks” after dinner are a pretty good dessert/bribe…

Now for a short story from the day.

I grew up with just a sister…so having boys has involved more penis talk than I could have ever imagined…and they get boners from day one. That’s fun.

Tonight, as I cuddled my 6yr old to sleep. He was touching his penis, which I as a mom of boys know

that usually means they have to pee (things you find out with boys).

Me: do you need to pee?

W: no. it just keeps sticking up.

Me: then stop touching it.

W: but it doesn’t feel good. why does it do that?

Me: because blood is going into your penis because it thinks something is happening there.

W: but why?

Me: well the more you touch it the more the blood thinks it need to be there instead of in your lungs or heart.  So stop touching it so the blood can go back to your heart and lungs.

W: ok

…and he falls asleep.

I can’t wait till 14.

chefmckean

Best Fucking Ribs

Here is the “recipe”:

Ribs – cook them (baby back are the best IMO) at 2000F for 5 hours

BBQ – don’t get the shitty kind and put it on the ribs after they have cooked

The trick to good ribs is cooking them low and slow… so like 5 hours at 2000 F. Wrap them in tin foil and no Karen it doesn’t matter how, just do it. Put them on a pan and put them in the oven. Go do your yoga or Pilates class you damn over achiever. As for me and my house, I’ll just keep shouting at my kids and laughing at their meltdowns (today was the 2-year-old crying how she doesn’t want to be 2 forever…her birthday is in a few days). Hopefully your house won’t burn down. just kidding at 2000F it won’t.

Now let us talk about BBQ sauce and no I don’t mean the shit next to the ketchup that is brown sugar mucus. Get good sauce from somewhere that knows BBQ. Texas, the Carolinas, Kansas City (no where else in Kansas) or St. Louis.  We like Old Mule that is made in South Carolina, my kids eat the shit out of it unless it’s a Wednesday or they are possessed. Oh except every 4th time. On the 4th time, “it’s too spicy!” (It’s not.)

A note on BBQ sauce. There are different kinds of BBQ. Some are ketchup based, some mustard based, and some vinegar based. These are particular to different geographical regions, and each location is convinced it has the best. Meh. Try different ones. If you really want to know more Google it.

After 5 or so hours (if you are in a “rush” 3 hours is barely sufficient) open the foil up and pour on the BBQ sauce. Not all of it cuz you’ll want some for later. Put the ribs back in the oven at 350 for 20-30 minutes depending on if the kids start fighting and you have to deal with their shit. Or for a quicker version (because the kids are starving) broil for 5ish min. Keep an eye on the damn thing or it will burn.

Take it out and eat. Sometimes I add sides like cucumbers or carrots because kids are supposed to eat veggies apparently.

chefmckean

I fucking hate salad

Yesterday I fought with my husband over everything and nothing. today I laid in bed hoping he would miss me… he did but also still took care of the kids. Then I got up and gave my side of the anger story… then he was upset… then we did our own thing and then we talked and we’re fine… Dinner tonight was salad. I fucking hate salad… so much chopping… at least the kids ate it.. mostly… along with pizza rolls… cause I didn’t want to cook.

Recipe:

leaves of something

veggies you like (cut the fuckers up)

leftover meat (fish, chicken, steak if you have it, preferable less than a week old)

salad dressing your family tolerates (for us this involves 3 fucking types, another reason I hate salad)

pizza rolls – follow the fucking directions on the box (if you want to feel less awful get Annie’s or some other organic kind of junk food)

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