Category: Everything

Ropa Vieja in the FoodiNinja

I have great friends who support this shit show of a blog. One sent me a tricked out FoodiNinja and has expected a post about using it for months now. 

I attempted Ropa Vieja (as you can guess from the title).

What you need:

Big hunk of meat, flank steak is traditional but you can use a shoulder or butt

Onions – sliced

Bell peppers – sliced

Garlic – smashed up or chopped

Diced tomatoes (I recommend a can or two because I hate chopping) see my salad post

Tomato paste

Spices: paprika, cumin, oregano

Salt and Pepper

Chicken broth

Orange juice (or any citrus juice) either from a fruit or from a cartoon. You do you.

White wine for the pot, not just to drink, I mean you get to drink most of it.

What I did:

The FoodiNinja has a saute setting so I started with that on high.

Salt the meat.

Brown the meat on all sides

Add sliced onions and bell peppers and garlic and get them soft.

Cover in spices, more is better.

Once you’ve got a nice smell coming out of the pot add the tomato products.

For the chicken stock and citrus I took about a cup of broth, juiced two small oranges and one lime topped off with white wine till I had 2 cups of liquid.

Dump that in and stir it all around.

Cook on low for as long as you can.

One thing I like about doing this in a pot or slow cooker is that the house smells amazing all day. The FoodiNija has a wicked seal on it so I didn’t get to make the house smell nice. 

I ran up against dinner time. And the shoulder wasn’t shreddable. I switched it to pressure cook and BOOM in 10 more minutes I had shredded meat. Given how my biggest challenge is often timing with dishes having backup pressure cooking is my biggest reason to use the FoodiNinja. 

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Instant Potatoes from bag

This one is super easy. Follow the directions on the bag. 

I added extra garlic powder and dried parsley (like ¼ of a cup each) that I found at the back of the spice drawer. Nothing like expired spices to add that extra flavor. I also put a stick of butter in it. Yes, a stick, but I did make two family sized bags so adjust as you see fit. 

My kids have never liked mashed potatoes. This was no exception. I made it to go with my Ribs and perhaps a bit of nostalgia. We had instant potatoes often as kids. Tasty, tasty nostalgia. 

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Oatmeal and Berry “Crisp”(AKA Baked Oatmeal with Berries)

Whole oats

Berries – your choice

Chia

Brown sugar (optional)

Water or Milk

Put it all in a baking dish and mix it together. If you are feeling fancy you can make a crumb topping with butter and brown sugar and flour. Here is the ratio: 1 part butter, 1 part brown sugar and 2 parts flour (sometimes I use oatmeal instead). Or put turbinado (aka demerara) sugar on top

Bake at 3500 F till hot. Usually 20-30 minutes is enough. 

Cooking for In-Laws:

I would not recommend it. Just kidding, it’s fine. Everything is just fine. 

Minus the small comments about drinking being the devil’s work. And the dull knives. 

It’s hard to write about family when you want them to still like you. Since my kids can’t read, they have no idea what I write about. Adult family is different. There is always the chance that they read…although my MIL may not since “fucking” is in the name of my blog and I’ve now heard several times how that is “just not a word she was brought up using” or something along those lines…I wonder if she is trying to tell me something? 

She had no issues telling me she didn’t like my Oatmeal and Blackberry “Crisp”. Apparently if oatmeal is “creamy” she doesn’t like it. I’m not up for oatmeal you can drink, so I tend towards al dente. I also didn’t put sugar in it since I don’t want to feed my kids diabetes first thing in the morning. That too was an issue for her. I shouldn’t have said it was a crisp and just called it baked oatmeal and berries. Names can add expectations. Like “Christian”. 

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Bean and Kielbasa Stew

This has become a staple in our house because of a purchase I made in the spring of 2020: I signed up for a Community Support Agriculture share of heirloom beans along with all the veggies. So we got a pound of beans a week. 

Dried beans. 

So many beans. 

What you need:

Dried beans that you soak overnight. It doesn’t fucking matter as long as it is more than 6 hours.

Kielbasa or something like it. Ya know, precooked sausage-like hotdog or machine-separated meat in a casing. 

Onions

Garlic – more is better

Other veggies (see Variations below)

Herbs (see Variations below)

Flour. Probably about a ¼ cup… you want a good coat on the shit you’re cooking

What you do:

Choppy chop the onion and garlic – make these small.

Choppy chop the veggies to bite sized pieces.

Choppy chop the kielbasa to bite sized pieces.

Use a big pot!

Put oil in the pot, when it is hot add the kielbasa and brown it. (Maillard (it’s the caramel-look meat gets when you brown it…the more you know) effect for the win).

Once the sausage is browned add the onion and garlic and sauté till the onion is transparent (like my jokes).

Add in other veggies. 

Now for the fancy technique. It’s called Sange and it means to throw flour on your cooking food to thicken the sauce. So you dust (coat) the things in the pot with flour. You have to do this BEFORE you add any liquid or you will get clumps! And by coat I mean don’t be a pussy and put in enough flour to cover the things. Not so much that there are balls of flour on the bottom… that’s a sure way to get chunks. 

Stir that around a bit, and then dump in the beans and the water they soaked in. Yes the water they soaked in. After googling all things dried beans I found out that you soak them to shorten cooking time by about 20 min and that the water that you soak them in has bean-y flavor so use it. If you are going to soak them for 8+ hours to reduce cooking time by 20-30 min, use the damn water. 

Add more liquid so that everything is just barely covered. Sometimes I use stock, sometimes water, sometimes it’s a reason to open wine. (Like I need a reason.) 

Bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer (tiny little cute bubbles for those unfamiliar with simmer; just put it on the lowest setting you have).  Stir it or the damn thing will stick to the bottom and burn. 

Cook for at least an hour, but I’ve let go as much as four with occasional stirring. Taste it and salt till it is good. I’d wait to salt till the end cause you are reducing liquid and if you salt at the beginning it’ll end up salty. Kind like me after a few drinks. 

Enjoy with crusty bread slathered in butter. I’m going to keep a running list of the variations I’ve done below and link to the photos on Instagram for your enjoyment. Like I said we have this almost every week and I can’t do the same thing forever. Although I do tend towards Kielbasa. At least that’s what I call it so the kids will eat it. You can use any machine separated and seasoned meat in a casing. 

Variation 1 –

Bean – Yellow Eye Bean

Sweet potatoes, cabbage, thyme, oregano, fennel, marjoram 

Kielbasa

Variation 2 – 

Bean – Appaloosa 

Potato, cabbage, basil, thyme, oregano, marjoram

Variation 3 – 

Beans – Large Lima Beans

Potato, carrot, celery, onion powder, garlic powder, paprika

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Found Mac and Cheese

I love mac and cheese. I found this recipe years ago (or something like it in a cookbook for girlfriends). It’s a great way to use up cheese bits.

What you need:

Noodles (doesn’t fucking matter, however I recommend smaller shapes like elbow or rigatoni)

Cheese (look for the small pieces leftover from parties, those in the back of the fridge that you’re not sure you should eat or what they are other than some kind of cheese)

Eggs 

Panko

Spices like garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, turmeric, salt, Franks Hot Sauce, you know, whatever you feel like.

What to do:

Heat the oven to 3500F.

Boil the noodles according to the package.

Shred the cheese.

Drain the noodles and immediately mix in most of the cheese. (Save some for the top)

Dump that into a casserole dish (you should probably grease it first)!

Mix eggs and spices together and dump on top of cheesy noodles. 

Mix panko and last bit of cheese…spread that on top of cheesy noodles.

Bake until the top browns and the eggs are cooked. 

Enjoy with hot sauce or veggies. 

I made this at my MIL’s using not only found cheese, but found noodles. Dried noodles don’t really go bad. They might stick to the bottom of the pot more but you know, scraping takes care of that. It was a success for the adults but the edges got a bit too crusty for the kids. So keep an eye on it!

The kids think this is a treat for dinner and usually eat it up (unless it has too many crunchy parts). But then again they would eat mac and cheese from almost any source all day long. 

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Chicken and rice

This is an experiment. I’ve seen too many ads on Facebook for quick-make at-home meal delivery services. One keeps bothering me. The lady (‘cause the hands are manicured) dips or drags one side of a chicken breast through a white creamy substance (sour cream, yogurt, emulsified tears of her lovers, who knows). Then she does the same in panko. So only one side of the chicken breast is breaded… that’s weird enough. She then puts it in a hot pan of oil and gets a perfect crust. Flips it and has a perfect chicken… She does all this while not getting any of the dipping pieces on her. I’m assuming she washes her raw-chicken-covered hands off screen. 

What I used to recreate this magic of clean cooking: 

Chicken breasts

Greek yogurt

Panko breadcrumbs

Rice…because my kids won’t eat just chicken for dinner

Bone broth

Salt

Parmesan cheese.

What I did

Put the rice in a casserole dish. 

I made a fucking mess. The lady in the ad must have suction cups on her palms because there is no way to smear a chicken breast in yogurt and pick it up. 

I also pounded the breasts. I mean tenderized. It’s stress relieving to hit them. Although I may have gone overboard on one that kind fell apart. (shrug) Also salt them after you’ve done the pounding. 

Ok so coat one side in the yogurt, drag it through the panko, put in a pan with hot oil in it. Sear both sides.

Put on top of the rice. Panko side up. 

Do this over and over ‘til you have all chicken crammed in the casserole dish. 

Pour bone broth around the chicken (move the chicken around so the rice gets wet). I would go up to the edge of the panko. Put parmesan cheese on the chicken.

Put it in the oven at 3500F until it’s done. You know it’s done when the rice is cooked, and the chicken isn’t raw. 

If this is a disaster, I’ll remake it into enchiladas by shredding or chopping the chicken up. They’ll never know…

Update: Wasn’t a total disaster. So that’s a win for 2020. Kids ate it once and hubby had leftovers.

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Roasted Potatoes

What you need:

Boiler potatoes: I like purple. I mean, they‘re purple!!! White, yellow and red also work if you want to be boring.

Olive oil; and this is key: more than you think is sensible.

Salt

Oregano: again more than you think is sensible (see Instagram video)

Cut the potatoes into bite sized pieces. Put in a bowl with the olive oil, salt, and oregano.

Dump it on a sheet pan. (Don’t want to clean? Use parchment paper!)

Cook until brown at 4000F. If you want to toss you can…I tend to leave them alone.

Eat up!

My husband demands the dousing of these potatoes in lemon. He’s not wrong.

My kids love it and so it became the go-to potato in our home.

I have Elizabeth B to thank for this. She has the luxurious lifestyle of an academic that allows her to travel to Greece. She shared this one night at our home. Incidentally, that night our son invited her to his room and said, “I want to take you to my bed”; and “I’m going to turn off the lights.” He was 2. Her husband was “traveling”. I’m not sure he “knows about this”.

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Enchiladas

Nothing fancy here.

What you need:

Several cans of beans – you know your family’s appetites, I don’t.

Spices. Cumin, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and anything else you like. It really is up to you.

Cheese, medium cheddar or less (sharp is oily as fuck) or get the “Mexican” mix – get stuff that tastes good for the love of god.

Tortillas – how many do you want to eat?

Green salsa – yes I know it’s not the enchilada sauce in a can but this tastes way better and is a little spicy, we like Herdez Salas Verde, mild. Yes, even my kids who don’t like spicy like it.

Once again this is about how much your family eats. Mine eats about 10 tortillas worth (2 adults, 3 kids). This is also about 3 cans of beans and a large block of Tillamook Medium Cheddar. The whole block!

Mix the beans, spices, cheese together. Save some cheese. Spread on tortillas and fold the damn things up. Put them in a large glass baking dish, and dump the salsa on top. Top with the rest of the cheese . Bake at 3500F till you see bubbles and the cheese is melted.

Eat your hearts out.

I hate leftovers but the kids will eat enchiladas for days so I always try to make enough for a lunch or two of leftovers. Then I don’t have to think about those meals. Sometimes I get so fucking tired of thinking of meals for everyone. Why cant they just eat cheese and crackers and salami? Nooooo we have to have veggies and other things.

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Meatloaf; or meat cake – It’s all about thickness

I meant to make a loaf but it got so big it became a cake.

What you need:

Meat – It doesn’t fucking matter what kind; get several and mix them together you crazy MoFo!

Onion

Garlic

Carrot

Eggs

Spices – basil, oregano, garlic powder, onion powder

Worcestershire sauce

Ketchup – make yourself feel good and get the organic, sugar free kind that tastes like crap…just kidding. This is for the top of the meat creation so get a tasty one.

What you do:

Sauté the onion, carrot, and garlic until there is no liquid in the pan (you want them to cook off all their liquid). Otherwise you’ll have soggy meat.

Mix the spices, eggs, Worcestershire sauce and meat(s) together.  Let the sautéed veggies cool a bit before you mix them in or it will hurt/burn (this would be experience talking). I mean it wasn’t a 3rd degree burn but it definitely involved me cussing up a storm in my Mother-in-law’s kitchen (who, unlike you, my wonderful reader, doesn’t appreciate some goddamned strong language).

Put it in a pan, or baking dish, or make little personal cupcake-sized cute meatloafs, or whatever you like.  Squirt ketchup on top in a fancy pattern.

Put it in the oven at 3500 F for an hour.

Feel free to enjoy the imagery of my Mother-In-Law (MIL) telling me how this was not the way she learned to do it. You know how MIL’s talk…

“When I did this or that it was so much better.”

“We never used that kind of language.” (Have I mentioned she’s not a fan of the blog?)

And that she “hopes it turns out ok.”

“Won’t it take 2 hours because yours is so big?” (Is this an inuendo?) No; it takes an hour because science (it’s the thickness that matters (“that’s what she said”)). I put mine in a baking dish and made it flat like a cake. So, yeah, I made meat cake. An hour was just right for meat cake.  Depending on your thickness your meatloaf may take more or less time. Use a thermometer if you’re really worried.  

It was really good! Even the picky eater ate it. When I do it again I’ll add pictures.

chefmckean

Shredded meat of unknown cut

I found a large chunk of beef in my dad’s freezer, unlabeled. The following is what I did with it, and this will work with most large cuts of meat—the shoulder, butt, or belly of the cow or lamb…you know the fucking mystery cut.

This kind of thing is good for a slow cooker for like 6 hours. But since my dad doesn’t have a slow cooker the oven it is!

Set the oven to 2500F.

Put the mystery meat in a cast iron pot with veggies you need to use up. DO NOT cut the fat off or you will have dry meat. Take your wilted parsley, dry carrots, and the onion and garlic that’s about to grow. Add a can or three of tomatoes, diced, sauce, whatever. Add salt and spices as you like. The first time I did cumin, paprika and turmeric. See the picture on Instagram. Next time I did Ras El Hanout and Harissa and thyme. It was a little spicy but will turn in to shredded taco meat nicely.

Cover and put all that in the oven and leave it be. For 5-6 hours. After 5-6 hours take the beef out (put it in a bowl) and remove any big chunks of fat. Shred the meat. How do you shred meat? You take two forks and use them like excavators and rip the meat apart like a strip mine.

In other/unrelated news, I think I’m letting the kids watch too many constructions shows. One thing I never expected pre-child was to learn about trucks and other big vehicles. I worry about how much brain space I’m using up remembering the difference between excavators and backhoes and such.

If you have an immersion blender use that in the pot of veggies. If not, scoop it into a blender (make sure your blender can handle hot stuff). Once you have the veggies blended into a sauce, pour it over the shredded beef and mix. 

Serve on top of rice or orzo or other pasta; a good crusty bread would also work.

Here’s how it went down for me. Since I was dealing with the mystery cut I wasn’t sure how long it would take to cook it so it would shred. I’m looking for the fat chunks melt off in the time I’m cooking it. If all that works, I’m sure my kids will protest anyway and say they don’t like it, but then probably eat it up.

I let mine go for 6 hours today (maybe I forgot about the time…maybe I didn’t) and now the kids are hungry. I made rice (following the directions on the box/bag), but I fucking burned it because the kids are always a distraction. So I made orzo. (That’s why it’s in the serve-over recommendations, in case you were wondering “why orzo?”.) The water was ready already because, thank goodness, my husband thought to boil water for mac and cheese in case the kids didn’t like beef today. Now they have buttery orzo instead.

But I’m going to call tonight a win. Two of the three kids ate it up, and the other gave me fucking lines about how not everyone likes everything. And then he went to bed hungry but happy to cuddle with me.

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