Category: Meat

these have meat

Spring Rolls

Spring Rolls are a fucking pain in the ass. My father now understands why you pay for these fuckers.

Plus, my kids are shits. Well 2 of the 3 are. The girl ate these things up. My husband goes nuts for them.

The beauty of these pains-in-the-ass is that they are low calorie, delicious, and filling. They aren’t difficult to make, but they are fucking tedious.

Cut veggies and fruits into sticks: like avocado, mango, cilantro, green onion, cucumber, and carrots (buy the sliced ones and save yourself some sanity in the already-insane prep).

For protein use cooked shrimp you have leftover from the office Christmas party that has been sitting in the freezer. Or imitation crab. Or you could go vegetarian, too.

Follow the directions on the rice paper wrapper. It’s like making small, fiddly burritos with a tortilla that tears easily. Fun, fun, fun!

As we’ve seen before, my husband is convinced it’s all about the sauce. I apparently made one years ago and didn’t write it down so now it lives on in his head as a standard I’ll never achieve. Thankfully, there’s nothing else in our marriage like that.

Here is an easy sauce or two:

  • lime, honey and ginger – mix together till it tastes good
    • lime, honey and sambal – mix together till it tastes good

See the theme?

Turns out that for 6 people you need more than one package of 14-16 wraps (even if there are 2 kids who only take one bite—my husband thinks I’m misremembering this, but did he do the cooking? he can STFU). So I substituted the leftover nori we had from “sushi” night (that’s another “disaster” I’ll write about). This was a horrible idea. Nori in small amounts is delightful, like around sushi rolls. Making fiddly burritos with it is awful, and I can’t emphasize this enough. It’s chewy and smelly and we ended up shaking the insides out into bowls to eat with a fork. It worked; not what I planned but still edible.

Since I still had all the filling I made ceviche out of it to use up the shrimp and crab. Chopped up all the last bits, mixed with the lime, honey, ginger sauce I had left, added more lime. Next time I’m doing this from the start and skipping the fucking rice paper folding. Meaning, I won’t do the fiddly wrapping again (my husband can make his own damn spring rolls; he loves ceviche anyway). It’s not like the kids will eat it in either form. And I still have a shit ton of veggies leftover that might turn into fucking slaw.

chefmckean

Ahi Tuna and sauce

Ahi tuna is fantastic. You need sushi grade for anything raw or mostly raw (like ceviche). But cheaper, non-sushi grade will still sear nicely to a rare temperature.

What you need:

Ahi tuna, sesame seeds, oil, salt and pepper.

What to do:

Coat the Ahi tuna in the sesame seeds and salt and pepper.

Heat the oil until it is smoking. We are searing, not cooking till well-done. To properly sear you need oil that is about to catch on fire and burn your house down. But stop it just short of that. I would also suggest NOT walking away from the stove at this point.

Put the tuna in the oil. Stand back because it will splatter and burn you. (I told you hot.) This is why chefs wear long sleeves. Also turn down the heat a little at this point, but not earlier. I don’t want your house to actually burn down, but I want your tuna done right.

Sear each side. This is like 1 min tops on each side. Tune should be rare. If you don’t like it like that buy it in a can and just skip this recipe.

Sauce (because as we all know (according to my husband) it’s all about the fucking sauce):

Tubes of lemongrass, garlic, ginger – you know the kind in the pricy area of the produce section where you buy small packages of herbs. (Gourmet Garden is one brand.) Now this point confused my husband who holds all things fresh to a god-like status. Why not use fresh? Because this is a sauce and chunks aren’t pleasant in a sauce. Don’t waste your time making the paste/puree yourself (at least not tonight…maybe another time I’ll tell you how to waste hours of your life making something you can buy for $7).

Soy sauce

Mix them all together till it tastes good. Start with small amounts to save money given you could mortgage a house buying these things. Taste as you go. Stop when it tastes good.

My husband went on and on about the tuna and sauce. It really was delicious. However, this is all I’m writing tonight. I have a dear friend who is having significant medical issues so I need to go find good movies for her teenage girls (who are awesome). You know the kind. Like Bring It On and Clueless. Girl focused, girl-power movies that make you feel good after. Add your favorites in the comments.

chefmckean2 Comments

An almost fancy dinner.

Dinner tonight was steak, brown butter carrots and sugar…I mean sweat potato and carrot casserole.

Steak: get the old stuff that is on sale. Not the bright red stuff. If it is brown it will be tasty. Why, you ask? Because as meat “ages” it breaks down, becoming more tender. Bright red meat is newer and therefore tougher, no matter how pretty you find it. So get the brown stuff, then leave it in the fridge for a week. Mold? Cut it off! In a restaurant they call it aged and charge you $60 so STFU. Salt and pepper both sides. Put it on a grill till medium or medium rare… don’t fucking cook it any more.  Eat it!

Carrots: Don’t over cook them!!!! first brown a stick of butter (how do you know it’s browned and not burned? Well it bubbles a shit ton and then if you stir it you’ll see brown instead of yellow.)

Then add ½ an onion brown it.

Then add 3 cups of sliced carrots (salt them first, heavily).

Then add brown sugar…how much is up to you…I did about ¾ a cup and it was not too sweet.

Cook till carrots are less crunchy than raw but still have some snap to them…this means taste the fuckers occasionally.

Sweet potato and carrot casserole:

Chop up sweet potatoes and carrots…as many as you want to eat.

Mix with 4 tbs of butter, brown sugar (1cup or so) and juice one old orange (you know out of the pile have laying around rotting). If you feel adventurous add several dashes of cayenne pepper, to make sure the kids will hate it.

Put in an oiled dish.

Cover with a few marshmallows…as many as you want assuming that the kids will go ape shit after dinner.

Cover that with a can of crescent rolls.  I know you’ve seen the YouTube where they roll out the can and do fucking crazy things with it…just roll it out enough to sort of cover the dish you are cooking in. Nothing fancy.

Cover the dish with tin foil and bake at 3500F for about 30 min (until the sweet potatoes and carrots are soft) take off the foil for the last 10 min. to brown the top.

Hopefully your kids eat this dinner better than mine…although we have found that “special drinks” after dinner are a pretty good dessert/bribe…

Now for a short story from the day.

I grew up with just a sister…so having boys has involved more penis talk than I could have ever imagined…and they get boners from day one. That’s fun.

Tonight, as I cuddled my 6yr old to sleep. He was touching his penis, which I as a mom of boys know

that usually means they have to pee (things you find out with boys).

Me: do you need to pee?

W: no. it just keeps sticking up.

Me: then stop touching it.

W: but it doesn’t feel good. why does it do that?

Me: because blood is going into your penis because it thinks something is happening there.

W: but why?

Me: well the more you touch it the more the blood thinks it need to be there instead of in your lungs or heart.  So stop touching it so the blood can go back to your heart and lungs.

W: ok

…and he falls asleep.

I can’t wait till 14.

chefmckean

Best Fucking Ribs

Here is the “recipe”:

Ribs – cook them (baby back are the best IMO) at 2000F for 5 hours

BBQ – don’t get the shitty kind and put it on the ribs after they have cooked

The trick to good ribs is cooking them low and slow… so like 5 hours at 2000 F. Wrap them in tin foil and no Karen it doesn’t matter how, just do it. Put them on a pan and put them in the oven. Go do your yoga or Pilates class you damn over achiever. As for me and my house, I’ll just keep shouting at my kids and laughing at their meltdowns (today was the 2-year-old crying how she doesn’t want to be 2 forever…her birthday is in a few days). Hopefully your house won’t burn down. just kidding at 2000F it won’t.

Now let us talk about BBQ sauce and no I don’t mean the shit next to the ketchup that is brown sugar mucus. Get good sauce from somewhere that knows BBQ. Texas, the Carolinas, Kansas City (no where else in Kansas) or St. Louis.  We like Old Mule that is made in South Carolina, my kids eat the shit out of it unless it’s a Wednesday or they are possessed. Oh except every 4th time. On the 4th time, “it’s too spicy!” (It’s not.)

A note on BBQ sauce. There are different kinds of BBQ. Some are ketchup based, some mustard based, and some vinegar based. These are particular to different geographical regions, and each location is convinced it has the best. Meh. Try different ones. If you really want to know more Google it.

After 5 or so hours (if you are in a “rush” 3 hours is barely sufficient) open the foil up and pour on the BBQ sauce. Not all of it cuz you’ll want some for later. Put the ribs back in the oven at 350 for 20-30 minutes depending on if the kids start fighting and you have to deal with their shit. Or for a quicker version (because the kids are starving) broil for 5ish min. Keep an eye on the damn thing or it will burn.

Take it out and eat. Sometimes I add sides like cucumbers or carrots because kids are supposed to eat veggies apparently.

chefmckean