Category: Meat

these have meat

Ropa Vieja in the FoodiNinja

I have great friends who support this shit show of a blog. One sent me a tricked out FoodiNinja and has expected a post about using it for months now. 

I attempted Ropa Vieja (as you can guess from the title).

What you need:

Big hunk of meat, flank steak is traditional but you can use a shoulder or butt

Onions – sliced

Bell peppers – sliced

Garlic – smashed up or chopped

Diced tomatoes (I recommend a can or two because I hate chopping) see my salad post

Tomato paste

Spices: paprika, cumin, oregano

Salt and Pepper

Chicken broth

Orange juice (or any citrus juice) either from a fruit or from a cartoon. You do you.

White wine for the pot, not just to drink, I mean you get to drink most of it.

What I did:

The FoodiNinja has a saute setting so I started with that on high.

Salt the meat.

Brown the meat on all sides

Add sliced onions and bell peppers and garlic and get them soft.

Cover in spices, more is better.

Once you’ve got a nice smell coming out of the pot add the tomato products.

For the chicken stock and citrus I took about a cup of broth, juiced two small oranges and one lime topped off with white wine till I had 2 cups of liquid.

Dump that in and stir it all around.

Cook on low for as long as you can.

One thing I like about doing this in a pot or slow cooker is that the house smells amazing all day. The FoodiNija has a wicked seal on it so I didn’t get to make the house smell nice. 

I ran up against dinner time. And the shoulder wasn’t shreddable. I switched it to pressure cook and BOOM in 10 more minutes I had shredded meat. Given how my biggest challenge is often timing with dishes having backup pressure cooking is my biggest reason to use the FoodiNinja. 

chefmckean

Bean and Kielbasa Stew

This has become a staple in our house because of a purchase I made in the spring of 2020: I signed up for a Community Support Agriculture share of heirloom beans along with all the veggies. So we got a pound of beans a week. 

Dried beans. 

So many beans. 

What you need:

Dried beans that you soak overnight. It doesn’t fucking matter as long as it is more than 6 hours.

Kielbasa or something like it. Ya know, precooked sausage-like hotdog or machine-separated meat in a casing. 

Onions

Garlic – more is better

Other veggies (see Variations below)

Herbs (see Variations below)

Flour. Probably about a ¼ cup… you want a good coat on the shit you’re cooking

What you do:

Choppy chop the onion and garlic – make these small.

Choppy chop the veggies to bite sized pieces.

Choppy chop the kielbasa to bite sized pieces.

Use a big pot!

Put oil in the pot, when it is hot add the kielbasa and brown it. (Maillard (it’s the caramel-look meat gets when you brown it…the more you know) effect for the win).

Once the sausage is browned add the onion and garlic and sauté till the onion is transparent (like my jokes).

Add in other veggies. 

Now for the fancy technique. It’s called Sange and it means to throw flour on your cooking food to thicken the sauce. So you dust (coat) the things in the pot with flour. You have to do this BEFORE you add any liquid or you will get clumps! And by coat I mean don’t be a pussy and put in enough flour to cover the things. Not so much that there are balls of flour on the bottom… that’s a sure way to get chunks. 

Stir that around a bit, and then dump in the beans and the water they soaked in. Yes the water they soaked in. After googling all things dried beans I found out that you soak them to shorten cooking time by about 20 min and that the water that you soak them in has bean-y flavor so use it. If you are going to soak them for 8+ hours to reduce cooking time by 20-30 min, use the damn water. 

Add more liquid so that everything is just barely covered. Sometimes I use stock, sometimes water, sometimes it’s a reason to open wine. (Like I need a reason.) 

Bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer (tiny little cute bubbles for those unfamiliar with simmer; just put it on the lowest setting you have).  Stir it or the damn thing will stick to the bottom and burn. 

Cook for at least an hour, but I’ve let go as much as four with occasional stirring. Taste it and salt till it is good. I’d wait to salt till the end cause you are reducing liquid and if you salt at the beginning it’ll end up salty. Kind like me after a few drinks. 

Enjoy with crusty bread slathered in butter. I’m going to keep a running list of the variations I’ve done below and link to the photos on Instagram for your enjoyment. Like I said we have this almost every week and I can’t do the same thing forever. Although I do tend towards Kielbasa. At least that’s what I call it so the kids will eat it. You can use any machine separated and seasoned meat in a casing. 

Variation 1 –

Bean – Yellow Eye Bean

Sweet potatoes, cabbage, thyme, oregano, fennel, marjoram 

Kielbasa

Variation 2 – 

Bean – Appaloosa 

Potato, cabbage, basil, thyme, oregano, marjoram

Variation 3 – 

Beans – Large Lima Beans

Potato, carrot, celery, onion powder, garlic powder, paprika

chefmckean

Chicken and rice

This is an experiment. I’ve seen too many ads on Facebook for quick-make at-home meal delivery services. One keeps bothering me. The lady (‘cause the hands are manicured) dips or drags one side of a chicken breast through a white creamy substance (sour cream, yogurt, emulsified tears of her lovers, who knows). Then she does the same in panko. So only one side of the chicken breast is breaded… that’s weird enough. She then puts it in a hot pan of oil and gets a perfect crust. Flips it and has a perfect chicken… She does all this while not getting any of the dipping pieces on her. I’m assuming she washes her raw-chicken-covered hands off screen. 

What I used to recreate this magic of clean cooking: 

Chicken breasts

Greek yogurt

Panko breadcrumbs

Rice…because my kids won’t eat just chicken for dinner

Bone broth

Salt

Parmesan cheese.

What I did

Put the rice in a casserole dish. 

I made a fucking mess. The lady in the ad must have suction cups on her palms because there is no way to smear a chicken breast in yogurt and pick it up. 

I also pounded the breasts. I mean tenderized. It’s stress relieving to hit them. Although I may have gone overboard on one that kind fell apart. (shrug) Also salt them after you’ve done the pounding. 

Ok so coat one side in the yogurt, drag it through the panko, put in a pan with hot oil in it. Sear both sides.

Put on top of the rice. Panko side up. 

Do this over and over ‘til you have all chicken crammed in the casserole dish. 

Pour bone broth around the chicken (move the chicken around so the rice gets wet). I would go up to the edge of the panko. Put parmesan cheese on the chicken.

Put it in the oven at 3500F until it’s done. You know it’s done when the rice is cooked, and the chicken isn’t raw. 

If this is a disaster, I’ll remake it into enchiladas by shredding or chopping the chicken up. They’ll never know…

Update: Wasn’t a total disaster. So that’s a win for 2020. Kids ate it once and hubby had leftovers.

chefmckean

Meatloaf; or meat cake – It’s all about thickness

I meant to make a loaf but it got so big it became a cake.

What you need:

Meat – It doesn’t fucking matter what kind; get several and mix them together you crazy MoFo!

Onion

Garlic

Carrot

Eggs

Spices – basil, oregano, garlic powder, onion powder

Worcestershire sauce

Ketchup – make yourself feel good and get the organic, sugar free kind that tastes like crap…just kidding. This is for the top of the meat creation so get a tasty one.

What you do:

Sauté the onion, carrot, and garlic until there is no liquid in the pan (you want them to cook off all their liquid). Otherwise you’ll have soggy meat.

Mix the spices, eggs, Worcestershire sauce and meat(s) together.  Let the sautéed veggies cool a bit before you mix them in or it will hurt/burn (this would be experience talking). I mean it wasn’t a 3rd degree burn but it definitely involved me cussing up a storm in my Mother-in-law’s kitchen (who, unlike you, my wonderful reader, doesn’t appreciate some goddamned strong language).

Put it in a pan, or baking dish, or make little personal cupcake-sized cute meatloafs, or whatever you like.  Squirt ketchup on top in a fancy pattern.

Put it in the oven at 3500 F for an hour.

Feel free to enjoy the imagery of my Mother-In-Law (MIL) telling me how this was not the way she learned to do it. You know how MIL’s talk…

“When I did this or that it was so much better.”

“We never used that kind of language.” (Have I mentioned she’s not a fan of the blog?)

And that she “hopes it turns out ok.”

“Won’t it take 2 hours because yours is so big?” (Is this an inuendo?) No; it takes an hour because science (it’s the thickness that matters (“that’s what she said”)). I put mine in a baking dish and made it flat like a cake. So, yeah, I made meat cake. An hour was just right for meat cake.  Depending on your thickness your meatloaf may take more or less time. Use a thermometer if you’re really worried.  

It was really good! Even the picky eater ate it. When I do it again I’ll add pictures.

chefmckean

Shredded meat of unknown cut

I found a large chunk of beef in my dad’s freezer, unlabeled. The following is what I did with it, and this will work with most large cuts of meat—the shoulder, butt, or belly of the cow or lamb…you know the fucking mystery cut.

This kind of thing is good for a slow cooker for like 6 hours. But since my dad doesn’t have a slow cooker the oven it is!

Set the oven to 2500F.

Put the mystery meat in a cast iron pot with veggies you need to use up. DO NOT cut the fat off or you will have dry meat. Take your wilted parsley, dry carrots, and the onion and garlic that’s about to grow. Add a can or three of tomatoes, diced, sauce, whatever. Add salt and spices as you like. The first time I did cumin, paprika and turmeric. See the picture on Instagram. Next time I did Ras El Hanout and Harissa and thyme. It was a little spicy but will turn in to shredded taco meat nicely.

Cover and put all that in the oven and leave it be. For 5-6 hours. After 5-6 hours take the beef out (put it in a bowl) and remove any big chunks of fat. Shred the meat. How do you shred meat? You take two forks and use them like excavators and rip the meat apart like a strip mine.

In other/unrelated news, I think I’m letting the kids watch too many constructions shows. One thing I never expected pre-child was to learn about trucks and other big vehicles. I worry about how much brain space I’m using up remembering the difference between excavators and backhoes and such.

If you have an immersion blender use that in the pot of veggies. If not, scoop it into a blender (make sure your blender can handle hot stuff). Once you have the veggies blended into a sauce, pour it over the shredded beef and mix. 

Serve on top of rice or orzo or other pasta; a good crusty bread would also work.

Here’s how it went down for me. Since I was dealing with the mystery cut I wasn’t sure how long it would take to cook it so it would shred. I’m looking for the fat chunks melt off in the time I’m cooking it. If all that works, I’m sure my kids will protest anyway and say they don’t like it, but then probably eat it up.

I let mine go for 6 hours today (maybe I forgot about the time…maybe I didn’t) and now the kids are hungry. I made rice (following the directions on the box/bag), but I fucking burned it because the kids are always a distraction. So I made orzo. (That’s why it’s in the serve-over recommendations, in case you were wondering “why orzo?”.) The water was ready already because, thank goodness, my husband thought to boil water for mac and cheese in case the kids didn’t like beef today. Now they have buttery orzo instead.

But I’m going to call tonight a win. Two of the three kids ate it up, and the other gave me fucking lines about how not everyone likes everything. And then he went to bed hungry but happy to cuddle with me.

chefmckean

Stuffed Pasta i.e. Manicotti or Jumbo Shells

I found recipes online and made modifications. Is that cheating? I mean what are all food blogs for anyway.

What you need:

Jumbo Shells or Manicotti tubes.

Cheese: I used ricotta, fontina, fresh mozzarella and parmesan and a medium/large bag of shredded mozzarella (for the top).

Eggs

Spices

Red sauce: jar or make your own. I got my sister-in-law to make her awesome red sauce with Italian sausage. Also the sauce from Lasagna will work.

Every recipe I read said to boil the noodles first. Fuck that. I don’t have time to boil noodles then stuff sad limp dick noodles and then bake them.  Remember how all noodles are oven ready? Well this is a good time to use that gem of wisdom. I assure you the moisture from the sauce will make the noodles soft but not too soft. You know al dente as the fancy people like to say. If you are at all worried about the liquid content in the sauce put in some wine.

Mix the ricotta, fontina, fresh mozzarella and half the parmesan. I recommend using a food processor. add in eggs so that it moves around the bowl and doesn’t become one big lump of cheese. Add some salt and Italian spices.

Scoop cheese into a piping bag or a gallon size zip-lock.

Put some sauce on the bottom of your casserole dish or whatever the fuck you’re baking these things in.

“Pipe” the cheese into the noodles…or scoop it in…just get it in to the fuckers. These may be hard with some of the jumbo shells because of the shape. For those I just put them in and said they were “meat stuffed” since the sauce(which had meat) will go on top. Fill up your dish with the stuffed noodles and then put all the sauce on top. I added a little wine so I could justify opening the bottle. Cover with the shredded mozzarella and leftover parmesan. Cover with foil.

Bake at 3500F till you see bubbles (or finish a bottle of wine, you know 60 mins). Remove foil and bake till cheese browns. This might seem familiar. That’s because it is lasagna with slightly different noodles and cheese. You could use this cheese mix in lasagna!

My middle kid called the jumbo shells slugs and wasn’t a fan. He also then referred to the whole dish as slugs at the top of his 4 year old lungs. That’s a super pleasant family dinner.  The other kids were cool to eat it if we called it lasagna, which we did. And since some shells were cooked without cheesy stuffing, I had happy dairy-free family members too, even if they now had the image of slugs in their minds. And you do too! You’re welcome.

chefmckean

Lasagna; or as my son used to nasally say, ah-yah-yah (see video at end)

Things you need:

“Oven ready noodles.” Or as I like to call them, noodles.

Sauce: diced tomatoes and tomato sauce, wine, onion, garlic, spices, ground meat, and more wine.

Cheese: Ricotta Salata, Mozzarella, Parmesan.

Once again this is almost a follow-the-recipe on the box. However, the “oven ready noodles” are a rip off. All noodles matter. All noodles are oven ready. As long as there is liquid for the noodles to absorb/soften, they are fine to cook in-situ. That’s a fancy word for in place. Because I’m fancy!

As much as I hate to admit it, here my husband is probably right: the sauce is the key, and the key to sauce is spices. So add garlic powder, Italian seasoning (oregano, basil, thyme, rosemary), onion powder and salt.

Brown some meat, beef, lamb, pork, or turkey; whatever you like. Add the spices and salt at this point.

Add onion and garlic into the meat. Then add cans of diced tomatoes and some tomato sauce. Then add wine.  Once this is bubbly you have sauce!

Save some wine for yourself. You deserve it. You’re making lasagna for your fucking family. Depending on how fast you drink and how much wine is left you can use it as a timer. I tend to find that after ¾ of a bottle the lasagna is ready for the last stage.

For the cheese mix this is what my family likes (and by family, I mean husband; the kids go along).

Mozzarella – like a big bag. I mean, not the CostCo size big bag but the normal grocery store big bag. Let’s not get carried away here. We all love CostCo but there are limits.

Ricotta Salata (about 5oz) – because my husband hates regular ricotta. I know he’s weird, but ricotta salata is actually pretty good. It has a texture more like feta and is salty like feta.  A possible substitute according to the internet is Pecorino Romano. (I’ll let you know if this is true—trying tonight.)

Parmesan (two cups-ish; maybe three).

Mix ¾ of the big bag of mozzarella with ½ of the parmesan and all the ricotta salata in one bowl – this is your inside-the-lasagna cheese.

Mix the rest of the mozzarella and parmesan for the top.

Now we layer. Start with a few scoops of sauce on the bottom, this helps the lasagna not stick and moistens the noodles.

Then a full layer of noodles, then sauce, then cheese, then noodles, then sauce, then cheese, then noodles again. Until your pan is full. End on cheese with the mozzarella/parmesan mix.

Cover with tin foil. If you don’t want the cheese to stick use a spray oil on it (like PAM or the organic version that makes you feel good about yourself).

Cook till the bottle of wine is gone. 45-60 min. If you don’t want to drink watch for bubbles in the pan.

Once the pan is bubbling and/or your wine is gone remove the foil and cook for another 15 or so mins. You know, enough time to aerate another bottle of wine and brown the cheese on top.

Remove and eat.

In other news…we talked with the 6-year old about racism because that came up. We tried to explain after a glass or two of wine. Needless to say, we will have to try again.

I’m concerned about my daughter. She speaks in the third person. The other day she also said: “I love you mom. I won’t break you apart.”

How many psychopaths am I raising? Will homeschooling and Covid make this worse? I might need a wine club membership.

Here is the boy trying to say lasagna.

chefmckean1 Comment

Easy Pigs in a Blanket

Take lil’ smokies and wrap them in crescent rolls…however the fuck you want.

Cook according to the crescent roll directions on the can.

I fucking hate these cans that give you a heart attack when you open it. Why hasn’t someone come up with a better can?  Speaking of heart attacks…my husband just had one so add that to your fucking pandemic 2020 bingo card.

Husband: Do you want more pigs in a blanket?

Middle kid: That’s too much sugar for me

Husband: So no dessert?

Middle kid: They just fill me up. So I can have dessert?

Us: <blink, blink> Sure why not.

chefmckean

Lamb and Italian Sausage Burgers.

Get ground lamb and Italian sausage.

Ras El Hanout and garlic powder and salt.

Feta

Sliced black olives

Mix it all together. Yes mix in the feta and black olives. The thing about feta is that it doesn’t melt and it is super salty. I don’t like crumbs of feta on my burgers that fall off as you eat. Anytime you can get the cheese into the burger you get more of the flavor combination. The feta and black olives help compliment the Ras El Hanout and add dimension to the burger. Don’t worry this isn’t the burger recipe for summoning demons or other dimensional creatures.

Form into burgers and cook them.

Serve with cucumbers and tomatoes. Yes, put the cucumber on the burger, it adds crunch and cools off the spice. This is a Mediterranean inspired burger so the normal ketchup and mustard or mayo won’t work. And since the feta and olives are in the burger you don’t need more topping stuff… just the tomato and cucumber. It’s kind of like a Greek salad made of meat.

And boom I cleared out more fucking freezer space! And the kids loved it! Something must be about to go wrong…

In the morning my husband thanked me for not asking what he did after I went to bed. This isn’t unusual I mean some days I do some days I don’t. I asked him why? He said he did something embarrassing. I racked my brain on what could be embarrassing.

Did he masturbate(That’s not something to be embarrassed by)?

Did he poop his pants(I mean just clean it up)?

Did he give himself a pedicure (I could only hope given how scratchy his feet are)?

He sheepishly said Twilight. I’m like the movie? YES he watched Twilight. And now I have something to give him shit about foooorrreevvvver!

chefmckean

BBQ chicken

I remembered to take a picture!

My dad likes to stock up on meat over the winter when he knows we are coming to visit in the summer…sorry(don’t want to be a Karen) story after the recipe.

Chicken – it doesn’t matter what kind. Get what you like. No skin, bones are fine.

BBQ sauce. See Best Fucking Ribs for a tirade on BBQ sauce.

Put chicken in a large pot (best is cast iron, like Le Creuset or Staub) with a lid. Add ½ a jar of BBQ sauce. Cook at 2500 F for 3 hours.

Let it cool off before you shred it. Then eat it on buns or with a fork or store it for the next day. Slaw also goes well with it. I tend to avoid slaw because it involves chopping…and my husband has a strong aversion to mayo so we don’t do store bought. Sometimes I have the “right” leftovers and I can make it work.*

As for my dad and his hording of meat: we are a family of 5 so yes we eat a lot of food. The kids keep growing (I can’t wait till they hit the teenage years and those food costs). My dad looks for meat on sale over the course of the year and freezes it. Which means that when I get here, I go through the freezer to figure out what we are eating for the next month. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can finally fit frozen waffles or a pizza in the damn freezer. This year I have two exceptionally large packages of chicken thighs with the skin and bones. However, my kids are currently on a chicken strike. I have to “trick” them into eating it and I’m often not successful. I think it’s a texture/in-their-head thing. So, for the massive packages of like 9 thighs I pulled all the skin off and threw it in the Staub with BBQ sauce. My dad then shredded and de-boned it and put it in the fridge. Tonight, I’m reheating and boiling off the excess liquid and we will try BBQ sandwiches.  

*I also took the leftover spring roll veggies (carrots, cabbage, cilantro, green onion and celery), chopped them up (have I mentioned how much I love chopping?) and mixed lime and olive oil and salt into them. That is the extent I will do slaw. (My husband adores this, non-creamy slaw. Like, it’s kind of creepy how much he likes it.)

Update:

I’m so pleased. The oldest loved it and has now eaten the BBQ chicken for several meals. The other two hate life as we know it when they are forced to eat this. As I’ve said before, I’m a great mom.

chefmckean