Category: Everything

Bread—in a Test Tube! and Other Things found

My mother-in-law has cupboards that are often overlooked for decades. (Maybe all parents do?) I drink and go searching some nights. I’ll admit I’m nosy. And I might be drunk enough that I don’t always remember that I went through the cupboard last year. So it’s always a new treasure hunt!

One night I found a box of the Culinaria Collection by Corning. It contains tubes that you cook bread in. Yes, tubes. From the time of savory jell-o. So…voila! We have another experiment with Bob the starter. Maybe everyone is doing sourdough during Covid, but who can say they’re doing test-tube-sourdough? Anyone? Anyone?!

The best way to describe this experience is with pictures.

I made my standard sourdough loaf and followed the directions on the tube bread insert. The directions came on a poster, so you know they’re legit.

Given the recipes that come with the bread (on the poster) I’m not sure sourdough is the best type bread for this. I should have tried the recipe for French bread. Also, my hands are too big to shove the bread far enough into the tubes. (“That’s what she said?”) I will have to get my kids to help next time since I think they are the only ones with small enough hands. I’m always looking for challenges to child labor practices. And how funny would it be to see kids with their hands/arms stuck in glass tubes?

The bread wasn’t the best looking. It didn’t hold it’s form and leaked/dribbled out of the ends of the tubes. It tasted fine but looked flaccid. My husband’s cousin’s spouse really liked it and took the leftovers. Whatever, I’ll try again…especially since I swiped the tubes (I asked first) and now am driving the damn thing across the country. So help me god if it breaks.

Other things found (this year!) in the cupboard above the fridge:

3 rusty cheese graters

1 small cast iron egg poaching pan.

Several berry containers that went in the trash. The plastic kind. I now know she uses them for when her wild blackberries go berserk, but who has time to pick these days? Even my kids got tired of picking them (or else picked up on my get-them-out-of-the-house trick).

A nativity cookie set. Who doesn’t want to eat the body of Christ when it’s a gingerbread Savior?

A broken wooden hanger that also went in the trash. Yes there was a hanger in the kitchen cupboards. Also Mother-In-Law found it in the trash (I thought it a safe toss, I was wrong). I then got snide comments about people throwing things away and how she needs to be aware of all if it.

A couple of cute tins that you would use to gift cookies in. But they aren’t getting used since they are out of reach for the average, sober person who doesn’t randomly drag chairs around looking in cupboards.

A couple of broken crystal goblets from my in-laws wedding set – Update: ventured into potential hot water and asked Mother-In-Law about them. Turns out these are not from the wedding set, they just look a lot like them. Still doesn’t explain the location but I (usually) know how to pick my fights.

chefmckean

Stuffed Pasta i.e. Manicotti or Jumbo Shells

I found recipes online and made modifications. Is that cheating? I mean what are all food blogs for anyway.

What you need:

Jumbo Shells or Manicotti tubes.

Cheese: I used ricotta, fontina, fresh mozzarella and parmesan and a medium/large bag of shredded mozzarella (for the top).

Eggs

Spices

Red sauce: jar or make your own. I got my sister-in-law to make her awesome red sauce with Italian sausage. Also the sauce from Lasagna will work.

Every recipe I read said to boil the noodles first. Fuck that. I don’t have time to boil noodles then stuff sad limp dick noodles and then bake them.  Remember how all noodles are oven ready? Well this is a good time to use that gem of wisdom. I assure you the moisture from the sauce will make the noodles soft but not too soft. You know al dente as the fancy people like to say. If you are at all worried about the liquid content in the sauce put in some wine.

Mix the ricotta, fontina, fresh mozzarella and half the parmesan. I recommend using a food processor. add in eggs so that it moves around the bowl and doesn’t become one big lump of cheese. Add some salt and Italian spices.

Scoop cheese into a piping bag or a gallon size zip-lock.

Put some sauce on the bottom of your casserole dish or whatever the fuck you’re baking these things in.

“Pipe” the cheese into the noodles…or scoop it in…just get it in to the fuckers. These may be hard with some of the jumbo shells because of the shape. For those I just put them in and said they were “meat stuffed” since the sauce(which had meat) will go on top. Fill up your dish with the stuffed noodles and then put all the sauce on top. I added a little wine so I could justify opening the bottle. Cover with the shredded mozzarella and leftover parmesan. Cover with foil.

Bake at 3500F till you see bubbles (or finish a bottle of wine, you know 60 mins). Remove foil and bake till cheese browns. This might seem familiar. That’s because it is lasagna with slightly different noodles and cheese. You could use this cheese mix in lasagna!

My middle kid called the jumbo shells slugs and wasn’t a fan. He also then referred to the whole dish as slugs at the top of his 4 year old lungs. That’s a super pleasant family dinner.  The other kids were cool to eat it if we called it lasagna, which we did. And since some shells were cooked without cheesy stuffing, I had happy dairy-free family members too, even if they now had the image of slugs in their minds. And you do too! You’re welcome.

chefmckean

Lasagna; or as my son used to nasally say, ah-yah-yah (see video at end)

Things you need:

“Oven ready noodles.” Or as I like to call them, noodles.

Sauce: diced tomatoes and tomato sauce, wine, onion, garlic, spices, ground meat, and more wine.

Cheese: Ricotta Salata, Mozzarella, Parmesan.

Once again this is almost a follow-the-recipe on the box. However, the “oven ready noodles” are a rip off. All noodles matter. All noodles are oven ready. As long as there is liquid for the noodles to absorb/soften, they are fine to cook in-situ. That’s a fancy word for in place. Because I’m fancy!

As much as I hate to admit it, here my husband is probably right: the sauce is the key, and the key to sauce is spices. So add garlic powder, Italian seasoning (oregano, basil, thyme, rosemary), onion powder and salt.

Brown some meat, beef, lamb, pork, or turkey; whatever you like. Add the spices and salt at this point.

Add onion and garlic into the meat. Then add cans of diced tomatoes and some tomato sauce. Then add wine.  Once this is bubbly you have sauce!

Save some wine for yourself. You deserve it. You’re making lasagna for your fucking family. Depending on how fast you drink and how much wine is left you can use it as a timer. I tend to find that after ¾ of a bottle the lasagna is ready for the last stage.

For the cheese mix this is what my family likes (and by family, I mean husband; the kids go along).

Mozzarella – like a big bag. I mean, not the CostCo size big bag but the normal grocery store big bag. Let’s not get carried away here. We all love CostCo but there are limits.

Ricotta Salata (about 5oz) – because my husband hates regular ricotta. I know he’s weird, but ricotta salata is actually pretty good. It has a texture more like feta and is salty like feta.  A possible substitute according to the internet is Pecorino Romano. (I’ll let you know if this is true—trying tonight.)

Parmesan (two cups-ish; maybe three).

Mix ¾ of the big bag of mozzarella with ½ of the parmesan and all the ricotta salata in one bowl – this is your inside-the-lasagna cheese.

Mix the rest of the mozzarella and parmesan for the top.

Now we layer. Start with a few scoops of sauce on the bottom, this helps the lasagna not stick and moistens the noodles.

Then a full layer of noodles, then sauce, then cheese, then noodles, then sauce, then cheese, then noodles again. Until your pan is full. End on cheese with the mozzarella/parmesan mix.

Cover with tin foil. If you don’t want the cheese to stick use a spray oil on it (like PAM or the organic version that makes you feel good about yourself).

Cook till the bottle of wine is gone. 45-60 min. If you don’t want to drink watch for bubbles in the pan.

Once the pan is bubbling and/or your wine is gone remove the foil and cook for another 15 or so mins. You know, enough time to aerate another bottle of wine and brown the cheese on top.

Remove and eat.

In other news…we talked with the 6-year old about racism because that came up. We tried to explain after a glass or two of wine. Needless to say, we will have to try again.

I’m concerned about my daughter. She speaks in the third person. The other day she also said: “I love you mom. I won’t break you apart.”

How many psychopaths am I raising? Will homeschooling and Covid make this worse? I might need a wine club membership.

Here is the boy trying to say lasagna.

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Easy Pigs in a Blanket

Take lil’ smokies and wrap them in crescent rolls…however the fuck you want.

Cook according to the crescent roll directions on the can.

I fucking hate these cans that give you a heart attack when you open it. Why hasn’t someone come up with a better can?  Speaking of heart attacks…my husband just had one so add that to your fucking pandemic 2020 bingo card.

Husband: Do you want more pigs in a blanket?

Middle kid: That’s too much sugar for me

Husband: So no dessert?

Middle kid: They just fill me up. So I can have dessert?

Us: <blink, blink> Sure why not.

chefmckean

Lamb and Italian Sausage Burgers.

Get ground lamb and Italian sausage.

Ras El Hanout and garlic powder and salt.

Feta

Sliced black olives

Mix it all together. Yes mix in the feta and black olives. The thing about feta is that it doesn’t melt and it is super salty. I don’t like crumbs of feta on my burgers that fall off as you eat. Anytime you can get the cheese into the burger you get more of the flavor combination. The feta and black olives help compliment the Ras El Hanout and add dimension to the burger. Don’t worry this isn’t the burger recipe for summoning demons or other dimensional creatures.

Form into burgers and cook them.

Serve with cucumbers and tomatoes. Yes, put the cucumber on the burger, it adds crunch and cools off the spice. This is a Mediterranean inspired burger so the normal ketchup and mustard or mayo won’t work. And since the feta and olives are in the burger you don’t need more topping stuff… just the tomato and cucumber. It’s kind of like a Greek salad made of meat.

And boom I cleared out more fucking freezer space! And the kids loved it! Something must be about to go wrong…

In the morning my husband thanked me for not asking what he did after I went to bed. This isn’t unusual I mean some days I do some days I don’t. I asked him why? He said he did something embarrassing. I racked my brain on what could be embarrassing.

Did he masturbate(That’s not something to be embarrassed by)?

Did he poop his pants(I mean just clean it up)?

Did he give himself a pedicure (I could only hope given how scratchy his feet are)?

He sheepishly said Twilight. I’m like the movie? YES he watched Twilight. And now I have something to give him shit about foooorrreevvvver!

chefmckean

Bean and cheese mini tacos

Beans – add cumin and garlic powder.

Cheese – get the good stuff.

Street taco sized tortillas.

Heat beans, spread beans on tortillas, sprinkle cheese on top.

Broil fuckers until cheese melts.

Top with things you like.

My kids like olives. My husband likes things that have to be chopped, screw him, he can chop is own damn green onions.

That’s it. IDGAF today about anything complicated.

Tonight I accused my dad and husband of needing a pap-smear to sleep with…I meant c-pap…they both snore.

Given that Freudian slip I thought I should drink more. They advocated for water. I catapulted… I mean capitulated.

chefmckean

Roasted tomatoes and garlic

This is one of my favorites! It is an easy and fucking tasty combination that can be used in versatile ways.

Take cherry tomatoes of different colors (because it looks pretty goddammit) and peeled garlic (I like to buy the bags so I don’t have to spend hours peeling garlic). I don’t mean one clove or even one head. You want about 1/3 as much garlic to your tomatoes. So for 2 small containers of cherry tomatoes it’s probably close to 3 heads of garlic.

Toss the garlic and tomatoes in olive oil and salt and put on a sheet pan. I use parchment paper because, like all good mothers, I don’t like to clean.

Put in oven at 3500 F until the tops of everything are light brown.

This dish just makes me happy. In part because it’s really hard to fuck up! The most likely way is to burn them, so…don’t. And it always tastes good.

You can eat them:

  • Straight as a side.
  • Put them in pasta with a little more oil and salt and parmesan.
  • Put them on bread (focaccia, ciabatta, Baggett, whatever you fucking want) with mozzarella and basil as a meal (depending on how big a piece of bread you use.) Look on Instagram for my last use of this dish.
  • Any fucking way you want.

chefmckean

BBQ chicken

I remembered to take a picture!

My dad likes to stock up on meat over the winter when he knows we are coming to visit in the summer…sorry(don’t want to be a Karen) story after the recipe.

Chicken – it doesn’t matter what kind. Get what you like. No skin, bones are fine.

BBQ sauce. See Best Fucking Ribs for a tirade on BBQ sauce.

Put chicken in a large pot (best is cast iron, like Le Creuset or Staub) with a lid. Add ½ a jar of BBQ sauce. Cook at 2500 F for 3 hours.

Let it cool off before you shred it. Then eat it on buns or with a fork or store it for the next day. Slaw also goes well with it. I tend to avoid slaw because it involves chopping…and my husband has a strong aversion to mayo so we don’t do store bought. Sometimes I have the “right” leftovers and I can make it work.*

As for my dad and his hording of meat: we are a family of 5 so yes we eat a lot of food. The kids keep growing (I can’t wait till they hit the teenage years and those food costs). My dad looks for meat on sale over the course of the year and freezes it. Which means that when I get here, I go through the freezer to figure out what we are eating for the next month. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can finally fit frozen waffles or a pizza in the damn freezer. This year I have two exceptionally large packages of chicken thighs with the skin and bones. However, my kids are currently on a chicken strike. I have to “trick” them into eating it and I’m often not successful. I think it’s a texture/in-their-head thing. So, for the massive packages of like 9 thighs I pulled all the skin off and threw it in the Staub with BBQ sauce. My dad then shredded and de-boned it and put it in the fridge. Tonight, I’m reheating and boiling off the excess liquid and we will try BBQ sandwiches.  

*I also took the leftover spring roll veggies (carrots, cabbage, cilantro, green onion and celery), chopped them up (have I mentioned how much I love chopping?) and mixed lime and olive oil and salt into them. That is the extent I will do slaw. (My husband adores this, non-creamy slaw. Like, it’s kind of creepy how much he likes it.)

Update:

I’m so pleased. The oldest loved it and has now eaten the BBQ chicken for several meals. The other two hate life as we know it when they are forced to eat this. As I’ve said before, I’m a great mom.

chefmckean

Spring Rolls

Spring Rolls are a fucking pain in the ass. My father now understands why you pay for these fuckers.

Plus, my kids are shits. Well 2 of the 3 are. The girl ate these things up. My husband goes nuts for them.

The beauty of these pains-in-the-ass is that they are low calorie, delicious, and filling. They aren’t difficult to make, but they are fucking tedious.

Cut veggies and fruits into sticks: like avocado, mango, cilantro, green onion, cucumber, and carrots (buy the sliced ones and save yourself some sanity in the already-insane prep).

For protein use cooked shrimp you have leftover from the office Christmas party that has been sitting in the freezer. Or imitation crab. Or you could go vegetarian, too.

Follow the directions on the rice paper wrapper. It’s like making small, fiddly burritos with a tortilla that tears easily. Fun, fun, fun!

As we’ve seen before, my husband is convinced it’s all about the sauce. I apparently made one years ago and didn’t write it down so now it lives on in his head as a standard I’ll never achieve. Thankfully, there’s nothing else in our marriage like that.

Here is an easy sauce or two:

  • lime, honey and ginger – mix together till it tastes good
    • lime, honey and sambal – mix together till it tastes good

See the theme?

Turns out that for 6 people you need more than one package of 14-16 wraps (even if there are 2 kids who only take one bite—my husband thinks I’m misremembering this, but did he do the cooking? he can STFU). So I substituted the leftover nori we had from “sushi” night (that’s another “disaster” I’ll write about). This was a horrible idea. Nori in small amounts is delightful, like around sushi rolls. Making fiddly burritos with it is awful, and I can’t emphasize this enough. It’s chewy and smelly and we ended up shaking the insides out into bowls to eat with a fork. It worked; not what I planned but still edible.

Since I still had all the filling I made ceviche out of it to use up the shrimp and crab. Chopped up all the last bits, mixed with the lime, honey, ginger sauce I had left, added more lime. Next time I’m doing this from the start and skipping the fucking rice paper folding. Meaning, I won’t do the fiddly wrapping again (my husband can make his own damn spring rolls; he loves ceviche anyway). It’s not like the kids will eat it in either form. And I still have a shit ton of veggies leftover that might turn into fucking slaw.

chefmckean

Risotto

This is another staple in our home. I know it sounds fancy and hard but it isn’t…

Arborio rice.  Look at the package to determine how much you want to eat.

              We eat about 3-4 cups of dry. (There are 5 of us and 3 keep growing up. I won’t mention how the other 2 of us are growing)

Bone broth – NOT stock. Bone broth is about the same price and has a ton of protein and other nutrients in it. Stock is just flavored water. I tend to use chicken because it’s mild. You need about 4 cups per cup of rice. 

Given the 4 cups of rice and 12 cups of liquid my family eats 16 cups of risotto…they are growing kids and leftovers are good for lunch or dinner two days later (god forbid we eat the same meal two nights in a row!).

Onion – 1 large cut into tiny pieces, you know so the kids can’t see the difference with the rice. Just to be clear onions are vegetables and count as a “hidden” food.

or

2 shallots – this is for traditional saffron risotto. What is the difference you ask? Well shallots have a milder flavor that doesn’t overpower the saffron. That’s all.

Other veggies:

~Yellow squash (2-3 depending on the size) – blended or tiny diced…it “hides” well with saffron and also doesn’t overpower it.

~Roasted red peppers and roasted garlic – I’ll do another post on how to roast these things. Cut ‘em up tiny.

Parmesan cheese – NOT the powder crap

White wine – I like sauvignon blanc for risotto.

Butter (1/2 stick)

Spices like saffron, turmeric, paprika. It depends on the veggies and your tastes.

Salt

Sauté onion (or shallot) in oil and some salt.

Once they are translucent and smell nice you can add other veggies till they also smell nice.

Add all of your rice.

You don’t add all your liquid at once. The idea is to watch the rice absorb the liquid until it is cooked. Start adding the bone broth just enough to keep things wet and stir often. Add more broth when the rice gets dry looking. Add in the spices and some salt.

You keep adding liquid and tasting until the rice is al-dente (which means you can bite though it but not so soft you don’t need teeth) add a cup or ½ bottle of wine, cheese and butter to taste, these are finishing flavors. Cook a bit more till the alcohol has cooked off (or add later and cook off less wine—the kids fall asleep faster with a bit of wine-y risotto). The wine, parmesan and butter are finishing touches and totally up to your tastes, just like the salt.

I tend to finish the bottle while cooking (I mean half went in the risotto). So I always get 2 or 3 more to have with dinner, yes I’m sharing the bottles mother… there is a reason this is a family staple. It also allows me to tell my husband I have to “cook” for the next hour (I’m stirring, tasting and drinking).

See notes on the wine choice. It isn’t just about being cheap.

Also because I’ve now added 1 onion, 1 pepper and a head of garlic (or 3 squash) I’ve almost got an equal ratio of rice to veggies…including the bone broth you’ve now got a one-pot-complete meal: veggies, protein, starch. Boom. Mom-win!

Finally, I’m sorry to all the “hidden veggie” recipes I used to deride pre-child. I now understand you on a level I previously could not. Parenting will do that.

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